Me.
I'm wrapped up in ME.
What's best for ME.
What do I want?
How will this benefit ME?
It's gross.
It's unflattering.
Especially the facade I raise.
The one who doesn't do anything for my own gain.
The one who doesn't like being in other people's business, but feeds off of it.
The one who needs encouragement to feel validated.
The one who appears humble, but pride eats away.
When that facade falls, I see brokenness.
I am broken.
So broken.
I open up, and act like I can tell everyone anything.
But when it gets down to the nitty gritty, I fumble over scattered thoughts.
This is why grace is unreal to me.
Christ KNEW me.
Ugly, scarred, greedy-hearted, me.
Yet He still chose to endure the cross.
So I could have hope.
Me.
Grace doesn't seem like that big of a deal until you receive it.
No questions asked.
No disappointed, condemning speeches.
Just an overwhelming peace, and instant humility.
I could never earn it.
That freaks me out.
How could someone love me when the've seen ALL of me.
Everything I hide.
Everything I suppress.
Yet, He does.
He always will.
Love that doesn't blink when I wander away.
Love that remains unconditional, when I do all I can to run away.
Love that takes me back, and puts a blanket over my shoulders when I'm done searching for other forms of fulfillment.
Love that gently reminds me who I am, and Who I belong to.
I am loved.
And no amount of me twisting truth, and not believing it could ever change that.
I am loved.
Despite EVERYTHING I've done, or will do.
He took the cross.
I am given grace.
THAT is a reason to hope.
To be grateful.
To praise Him in horrifying circumstance.
To doubt Him, only to be reminded of who He is.
To let Him into the deepest joys and pains.
To take steps with Him, and TRUST Him.
"I have been crucified with Christ, and it is no longer I, but Christ who lives in me. And the life which I now live, I live with faith in Christ, who loved me, and gave His life for me."
-Galatians 2:20
Tuesday, June 24, 2014
Wednesday, May 28, 2014
not all who wander are lost.
I've been wanting to post something about this for a while now, and it will probably be a lot of scattered rambles, but here we go.
A few months ago at GCC, we got to do a series called, "Don't Call Me A Christian". If you want the gist of it, you can check it out here.
During this series, I was asked by our media guys, along with others, to share about the time I didn't want to be called a Christian. I was super humbled to share among leaders that I respect, and really nervous and excited to share some of my heart. I had planned on sharing about the season where I lived and worked in Yosemite National Park, but God had other plans. He asked me to share about my mom. I thought I could just glide by, and talk about a tough period in my life...but nooooooo. He wanted me to share about something that I struggle with daily, and an area of my heart that I have trouble fully surrendering to Him. He was asking me to be vulnerable.
A little backstory.
My mom left the church when I was young. She grew up in a Christian home, with a loving family. But at a very early age, she bought into the lie that she had to be perfect, and if she was, then she would earn Christ's love.
I don't think that lie ever left. She spent time in therapy, and developed questions and doubts about God. She wasn't getting the answers to her questions. And they were good questions too, not meaningless whining. Questions like "Why does a loving God allow pain?", "Why do I get to live in a country with SO much, while others are starving and struggling for life?".
She reached out to the church we were attending, and didn't find what she was looking for. In fact, it pushed her away even further. Any questions she had were answered with scripture, or something of the sort. While I believe that the church had the BEST intentions with that...to someone who is struggling to be heard, it's not the answer. All she needed was someone to listen.
It's easy for me to blame that specific church, and the people. BUT she made the ultimate decision to leave the church...and unfortunately, that helped seal the deal. So she is a self proclaimed agnostic.
However, my mom has never been anything but supportive of my decision to follow Christ. She's told me multiple times how she wishes she could have that happiness. It breaks my heart, because my mom points me back to Jesus more than anything in and of this world. She asks the hard questions, is not afraid to be herself, and state her opinion(for better or worse).
Because of my mom's story, I feel like I'm more perceptive to Christian pompous. What, Christians can be pompous??? Yes. It happens often.
Now, I could jump on a soapbox and write 10,000 books on my opinions on this matter, but I'll spare you, and just leave it at this:
-If you have a friend who does not know Jesus, or does....take time to JUST LISTEN. Listening holds so much power, and no one likes the person who think they have all the answers.
Which brings me to my next point...
-You don't have to have all the answers. Often times, someone just needs to hear that you struggle with the same questions they have! Then they know they are not alone/don't have to be perfect...address all the lies they believe with a simple truth. We all have questions, and doubts, no matter how long we've been walking with Jesus.
-If you speak out with your opinions, please do so in love. NOTHING will turn someone who has questions away faster than stating harsh, biting opinions on the following: politics, homosexuality, social status, pure-bread dogs...you get my point.
-Be real. My relationship with Jesus does not look like my dad's, pastor's, boss's, friend's, role model's, or drivethru worker's relationship with Jesus. So why would I try and put on a show, pretending that's how I connect with God? From experience, nothing made my relationship with Christ(and others) take a nose dive faster than that route.
Following Christ is a journey, and I'm still(sometimes reluctantly) learning. But what I've said in this post has been on my heart for a long time. I'm not telling anyone how to live, just sharing from my own experience.
Be who Christ made you to be, and you will impact some one's life who needs your own unique version of Jesus. Be real. Don't pretend to have your life together, because no one does. Let's just walk with each other, and encourage one another. Taking one step at a time towards Christ.
A few months ago at GCC, we got to do a series called, "Don't Call Me A Christian". If you want the gist of it, you can check it out here.
During this series, I was asked by our media guys, along with others, to share about the time I didn't want to be called a Christian. I was super humbled to share among leaders that I respect, and really nervous and excited to share some of my heart. I had planned on sharing about the season where I lived and worked in Yosemite National Park, but God had other plans. He asked me to share about my mom. I thought I could just glide by, and talk about a tough period in my life...but nooooooo. He wanted me to share about something that I struggle with daily, and an area of my heart that I have trouble fully surrendering to Him. He was asking me to be vulnerable.
A little backstory.
My mom left the church when I was young. She grew up in a Christian home, with a loving family. But at a very early age, she bought into the lie that she had to be perfect, and if she was, then she would earn Christ's love.
I don't think that lie ever left. She spent time in therapy, and developed questions and doubts about God. She wasn't getting the answers to her questions. And they were good questions too, not meaningless whining. Questions like "Why does a loving God allow pain?", "Why do I get to live in a country with SO much, while others are starving and struggling for life?".
She reached out to the church we were attending, and didn't find what she was looking for. In fact, it pushed her away even further. Any questions she had were answered with scripture, or something of the sort. While I believe that the church had the BEST intentions with that...to someone who is struggling to be heard, it's not the answer. All she needed was someone to listen.
It's easy for me to blame that specific church, and the people. BUT she made the ultimate decision to leave the church...and unfortunately, that helped seal the deal. So she is a self proclaimed agnostic.
However, my mom has never been anything but supportive of my decision to follow Christ. She's told me multiple times how she wishes she could have that happiness. It breaks my heart, because my mom points me back to Jesus more than anything in and of this world. She asks the hard questions, is not afraid to be herself, and state her opinion(for better or worse).
Because of my mom's story, I feel like I'm more perceptive to Christian pompous. What, Christians can be pompous??? Yes. It happens often.
Now, I could jump on a soapbox and write 10,000 books on my opinions on this matter, but I'll spare you, and just leave it at this:
-If you have a friend who does not know Jesus, or does....take time to JUST LISTEN. Listening holds so much power, and no one likes the person who think they have all the answers.
Which brings me to my next point...
-You don't have to have all the answers. Often times, someone just needs to hear that you struggle with the same questions they have! Then they know they are not alone/don't have to be perfect...address all the lies they believe with a simple truth. We all have questions, and doubts, no matter how long we've been walking with Jesus.
-If you speak out with your opinions, please do so in love. NOTHING will turn someone who has questions away faster than stating harsh, biting opinions on the following: politics, homosexuality, social status, pure-bread dogs...you get my point.
-Be real. My relationship with Jesus does not look like my dad's, pastor's, boss's, friend's, role model's, or drivethru worker's relationship with Jesus. So why would I try and put on a show, pretending that's how I connect with God? From experience, nothing made my relationship with Christ(and others) take a nose dive faster than that route.
Following Christ is a journey, and I'm still(sometimes reluctantly) learning. But what I've said in this post has been on my heart for a long time. I'm not telling anyone how to live, just sharing from my own experience.
Be who Christ made you to be, and you will impact some one's life who needs your own unique version of Jesus. Be real. Don't pretend to have your life together, because no one does. Let's just walk with each other, and encourage one another. Taking one step at a time towards Christ.
Wednesday, May 21, 2014
little loves.
I'm currently feeling genuinely loved by friends, co-workers, and family. This fullness that my heart has is overflowing, and I just want to shout to the world how good God is.
These past few weeks, I've been encouraged by little ways that people choose to love me: bringing me my favorite order of coffee from Starbucks (twice!), finding a hand written letter of encouragement and affirmation from a stranger, coming home to awesome roommates, working with a team of incredible people and growing into a leader, experiencing and leading worship, a team that trusts me as a leader, people and leaders loving on me with kind words, and replacing my keurig for free.
The best part is? These people didn't expect anything back.
Because of the love being showed to me by Christ through others, I have the desire to recycle that love. I have the fullest heart, and I want others to experience that as well. Spreading kindness, and love is not that hard. It could be a smile, bringing someone coffee, cleaning a house, watching someones kids...using whatever you have, where you are to spread the Love.
I believe this is what Christ meant by John 13: 34-35.
"Love one another. In the same way I loved you, you love one another. This is how everyone will recognize that you are my disciples—when they see the love you have for each other.”
Seemingly "little" ways to love on people puts feet on Christ's words.
This is especially powerful because it reflects Christ's love for us. He showers us in His love without expectation of us returning that love. He loved us even when we were far away from Him. He loved us even though He KNEW that we would wander, betray, and murder Him. That is a love worth sharing.
This blog post is short and sweet, but it's a challenge I encourage you( and ME )to take. Find ways to love on someone today, and all week. Watch and see how your life changes because of it. If you feel "stuck", this is the best way to get "unstuck". If you feel full and loved, this will continue that. If you desire more meaning in your life, this will definitely help. If you feel discouraged, this is a way to be encouraged.
The love of Christ is meant to be shared, because it is life altering. You can't keep it to yourself.
I'm thankful for that reminder.
These past few weeks, I've been encouraged by little ways that people choose to love me: bringing me my favorite order of coffee from Starbucks (twice!), finding a hand written letter of encouragement and affirmation from a stranger, coming home to awesome roommates, working with a team of incredible people and growing into a leader, experiencing and leading worship, a team that trusts me as a leader, people and leaders loving on me with kind words, and replacing my keurig for free.
The best part is? These people didn't expect anything back.
Because of the love being showed to me by Christ through others, I have the desire to recycle that love. I have the fullest heart, and I want others to experience that as well. Spreading kindness, and love is not that hard. It could be a smile, bringing someone coffee, cleaning a house, watching someones kids...using whatever you have, where you are to spread the Love.
I believe this is what Christ meant by John 13: 34-35.
"Love one another. In the same way I loved you, you love one another. This is how everyone will recognize that you are my disciples—when they see the love you have for each other.”
Seemingly "little" ways to love on people puts feet on Christ's words.
This is especially powerful because it reflects Christ's love for us. He showers us in His love without expectation of us returning that love. He loved us even when we were far away from Him. He loved us even though He KNEW that we would wander, betray, and murder Him. That is a love worth sharing.
This blog post is short and sweet, but it's a challenge I encourage you( and ME )to take. Find ways to love on someone today, and all week. Watch and see how your life changes because of it. If you feel "stuck", this is the best way to get "unstuck". If you feel full and loved, this will continue that. If you desire more meaning in your life, this will definitely help. If you feel discouraged, this is a way to be encouraged.
The love of Christ is meant to be shared, because it is life altering. You can't keep it to yourself.
I'm thankful for that reminder.
Friday, May 2, 2014
a post on life in my twenty-somethings.
As much as it pains me to say this, t-swift said it best: "We're happy, free, confused, and lonely in the best way"
Life in my twenties has already been an adventure, and I'm not even half way through it. I'm no where NEAR the life I thought I'd live when I was 12. I thought that by the time I was 19, I'd have my own cute and swanky apartment, with a steady/dreamy boyfriend, performing on broadway.
Well here I am, 24 years old. In debt up to my eyeballs. 2 part time jobs, no romantic prospect, less in shape then I'd like to be, and I have a bedtime of 10pm...or 9:30, depends on the day.
But I don't hate it. In fact, most days, I love it. I mean, there is always that season where you wonder if what you are doing really means anything. If all the time and energy you spend on a certain thing or someone is worth it...but it is.
If we're being honest, I have prayed my fair share of "boohoo-whoa-is-me-why-doesn't-anyone-love-me-what's-wrong-with-me" prayers. I've had weeks where I feel like I'm the scum on the ground, and that I'll be a lonely spinster for life. Seasons where I fully believe that I will never find any kind of success, and I have zero impact on those around me.
It's in those times where I remember why I follow Jesus. He always reminds me that what He intends for me is to embrace what He is calling me to RIGHT NOW. Not in a few months from now. Not if, and when, I have a full time job at a place I love. Not the 3 kids later, married version of myself.
RIGHT. NOW.
I am placed here for a reason. You are placed right here, right now for a purpose. And God wants to use you just as you are. You don't need another person to complete you. You don't need another person to be the best you that you can be. You don't need to waste your time and energy dwelling on something that might not even come to pass! Be here.
Spend time loving yourself! Find your flaws, and experience the ocean of Grace you get to throw them in. Grow into a better person who lives life with vulnerability. Someone who doesn't have all the answers, but holds a strong faith despite the doubts. Look at yourself in a mirror, and love the person you see.
You were created for beauty, and to help others find their way...and in the process, you may just find who you were meant to be.
Life in my twenties has already been an adventure, and I'm not even half way through it. I'm no where NEAR the life I thought I'd live when I was 12. I thought that by the time I was 19, I'd have my own cute and swanky apartment, with a steady/dreamy boyfriend, performing on broadway.
Well here I am, 24 years old. In debt up to my eyeballs. 2 part time jobs, no romantic prospect, less in shape then I'd like to be, and I have a bedtime of 10pm...or 9:30, depends on the day.
But I don't hate it. In fact, most days, I love it. I mean, there is always that season where you wonder if what you are doing really means anything. If all the time and energy you spend on a certain thing or someone is worth it...but it is.
If we're being honest, I have prayed my fair share of "boohoo-whoa-is-me-why-doesn't-anyone-love-me-what's-wrong-with-me" prayers. I've had weeks where I feel like I'm the scum on the ground, and that I'll be a lonely spinster for life. Seasons where I fully believe that I will never find any kind of success, and I have zero impact on those around me.
It's in those times where I remember why I follow Jesus. He always reminds me that what He intends for me is to embrace what He is calling me to RIGHT NOW. Not in a few months from now. Not if, and when, I have a full time job at a place I love. Not the 3 kids later, married version of myself.
RIGHT. NOW.
I am placed here for a reason. You are placed right here, right now for a purpose. And God wants to use you just as you are. You don't need another person to complete you. You don't need another person to be the best you that you can be. You don't need to waste your time and energy dwelling on something that might not even come to pass! Be here.
Spend time loving yourself! Find your flaws, and experience the ocean of Grace you get to throw them in. Grow into a better person who lives life with vulnerability. Someone who doesn't have all the answers, but holds a strong faith despite the doubts. Look at yourself in a mirror, and love the person you see.
You were created for beauty, and to help others find their way...and in the process, you may just find who you were meant to be.
Friday, April 25, 2014
thoughts on beauty (more like a pep-talk for myself)
The following is an assembly of random thoughts on beauty, not feeling good enough, and insecurities. But mostly, it's a reminder for myself.
There are some days when I feel pretty. When I have makeup on my face. When my hair is done. And I love having a great eyelash day. I feel skinny, and my clothes fit right. I look in the mirror, and enjoy what I see. I'm proud of what I see.
But what about the other 90% of the days when I look in the mirror and think, "Yikes, you look rough."
Those are the days that I want to address. That stupid mindset we carry with us. No matter how we look at ourselves, or what we do to enhance the beauty we're given, we see flaws. It's like our eyes are trained to find something, ANYTHING, that is wrong, or out of place. We get complimented on an outfit, or hairstyle, and IMMEDIATELY ride it off by making a comment on how terrible we look, or feel.
In college I challenged myself to a week without makeup. Sounds easy, right? No. Not at all.
I would wake up in the morning, look at puffy, tired eyes and hate what I saw. On top of that, I was going through a growing period with humility and pride. That week sucked. It felt like God brought me down to the ground, and let me stay there. I had to re-train myself to look at myself that way God sees me, and to give the gifts He gave me back to Him as offering. The whole week was God molding my mind to see what He sees.
Since that challenging week of doom, I'm way more comfortable in my own skin. I can walk in public with my hair thrown up, and no makeup. BUT there are still the majority of days when I feel ugly, unwanted, and undesirable. And I still listen to the voice that screams at me...the voice saying I'll never be skinny enough, pretty enough, or good enough.
Here's my challenge to myself, and anyone else. Take the negative, and stomp it to the ground with TRUTH.
Here are some of mine:
You are too chubby.
I am a WOMEN. I have curves. I enjoy food. I am accepted the way I am
You have acne.
My skin tone does not take away from my natural beauty.
I will never be as pretty as (insert name here).
No I won't. But I am my own form of beautiful. No one, and no thing can tell me otherwise.
THEN, take a two pictures of yourself, and put them side by side. One with makeup on...all primped and pretty. And another with no makeup. This may be useless, or it may be a step to embrace your natural side. Maybe identify some lies that you are being told, and believing.
Here's what I'm trying to get at ladies. STOP comparing yourself to others. Find your own beauty. You are beautiful...big boobs, or no boobs. Bubble butt, or flat butt. Cellulite, or smooth. Thighs that tough, or ones with a gap. Big tummies, or toned. Dark circles, or none. Stained teeth from too much coffee, or a smile that belongs in a colgate commercial. Dried, cracked heels, or smooth. Dream disney princess hair, or greasy, unwashed hair. Unplucked eye brows, or the perfect arched brow....I think you get my drift.
Find the beauty in yourself. Ask The Lord to re-mold your mind, and open your eyes to see what He loves about you. He created YOU. He makes no mistakes, and He loves us just the way we are. Even the smelly, no makeup, post-workout version of yourself. In fact, maybe that's version of you He likes best. Being true to who you are.
There are some days when I feel pretty. When I have makeup on my face. When my hair is done. And I love having a great eyelash day. I feel skinny, and my clothes fit right. I look in the mirror, and enjoy what I see. I'm proud of what I see.
But what about the other 90% of the days when I look in the mirror and think, "Yikes, you look rough."
Those are the days that I want to address. That stupid mindset we carry with us. No matter how we look at ourselves, or what we do to enhance the beauty we're given, we see flaws. It's like our eyes are trained to find something, ANYTHING, that is wrong, or out of place. We get complimented on an outfit, or hairstyle, and IMMEDIATELY ride it off by making a comment on how terrible we look, or feel.
In college I challenged myself to a week without makeup. Sounds easy, right? No. Not at all.
I would wake up in the morning, look at puffy, tired eyes and hate what I saw. On top of that, I was going through a growing period with humility and pride. That week sucked. It felt like God brought me down to the ground, and let me stay there. I had to re-train myself to look at myself that way God sees me, and to give the gifts He gave me back to Him as offering. The whole week was God molding my mind to see what He sees.
Since that challenging week of doom, I'm way more comfortable in my own skin. I can walk in public with my hair thrown up, and no makeup. BUT there are still the majority of days when I feel ugly, unwanted, and undesirable. And I still listen to the voice that screams at me...the voice saying I'll never be skinny enough, pretty enough, or good enough.
Here's my challenge to myself, and anyone else. Take the negative, and stomp it to the ground with TRUTH.
Here are some of mine:
You are too chubby.
I am a WOMEN. I have curves. I enjoy food. I am accepted the way I am
You have acne.
My skin tone does not take away from my natural beauty.
I will never be as pretty as (insert name here).
No I won't. But I am my own form of beautiful. No one, and no thing can tell me otherwise.
THEN, take a two pictures of yourself, and put them side by side. One with makeup on...all primped and pretty. And another with no makeup. This may be useless, or it may be a step to embrace your natural side. Maybe identify some lies that you are being told, and believing.
Here's what I'm trying to get at ladies. STOP comparing yourself to others. Find your own beauty. You are beautiful...big boobs, or no boobs. Bubble butt, or flat butt. Cellulite, or smooth. Thighs that tough, or ones with a gap. Big tummies, or toned. Dark circles, or none. Stained teeth from too much coffee, or a smile that belongs in a colgate commercial. Dried, cracked heels, or smooth. Dream disney princess hair, or greasy, unwashed hair. Unplucked eye brows, or the perfect arched brow....I think you get my drift.
Find the beauty in yourself. Ask The Lord to re-mold your mind, and open your eyes to see what He loves about you. He created YOU. He makes no mistakes, and He loves us just the way we are. Even the smelly, no makeup, post-workout version of yourself. In fact, maybe that's version of you He likes best. Being true to who you are.
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
just keep learning...
Things God has shown me:
-I am incredibly blessed with friends and family that follow the Lord
-I am never to be ashamed of my faith
-Love and acceptance is my ministry here
-God never leaves me. He's hurting, smiling, doubting, and laughing right beside me
-I'm being grown to love God's people and expand His kingdom by that realization
-I'm supposed to be right here. It's so difficult, but beautiful
-Trust that His plan is better than mine
-Heartbreak only brings me closer to His heart
...and the list keeps growing...
thank you all for prayers, letters, notes, words of kindness, accountability, and your love for me.
-I am incredibly blessed with friends and family that follow the Lord
-I am never to be ashamed of my faith
-Love and acceptance is my ministry here
-God never leaves me. He's hurting, smiling, doubting, and laughing right beside me
-I'm being grown to love God's people and expand His kingdom by that realization
-I'm supposed to be right here. It's so difficult, but beautiful
-Trust that His plan is better than mine
-Heartbreak only brings me closer to His heart
...and the list keeps growing...
thank you all for prayers, letters, notes, words of kindness, accountability, and your love for me.
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